Boys and Girls, I Think I’ve Gone Cray

“Drown inside my vices all day.”

I was going to use the chorus to this song for the title of my post, since it’s basically the title song of post-election, but I decided to be kind of hipster, LOL.

I would say that this is going to be my last election post, but it probably won’t be, so why lie?

Although this post will be similar to my previous post, it’s more so something to clear things up, for you and my conscience.  I posted that piece on Wednesday, the afternoon that the results of the election were announced, after Hillary Clinton’s concession speech and President Obama’s speech.  I was heartbroken, scared, and hurting when I wrote that post, and it translated.  I look back at it, and I regret it: my emotions got the best me.  I always feel like the best arguments are the ones that a person is clearly passionate about said argument, but can tame their emotions enough to get a coherent and clear thought out.

My previous post was nothing like that: it was full of emotion, and although I stand by the things that I said, I know that there are some stuff that I should have reworded and clarified.  So, that is the purpose of this post.  If you’re tired of reading stuff about the election, feel free to leave.  I understand your frustration, but this election is pretty groundbreaking, so I will continue.

First point, and the most important: I DO NOT HATE WHITE PEOPLE.  I don’t hate anyone, really, because it takes a lot of energy to hate people, and life is too short to hate.  I’m more of a person that strongly dislikes people.  🙂  That’s besides the point though, what I am trying to say is that I try my hardest not to judge people on the basis of their race and skin tone, and I’ve been pretty successful at it for, like, ever.  Haha.  I do make jokes concerning race based on extreme stereotypes though, that is my one flaw.  I’m trying to work on it.  But, I don’t hate white people.  However, the majority of the people who backed Trump were white people (majority, not all), and with the condescending and offensive things he has said, it makes it hard for me to accept Trump supporters, no matter what color they are.

The second thing I want to say, is that I realize that neither candidate is perfect.  I was going through this huge battle with my heart and my head when I was casting my vote.  My heart was telling me to vote third party, which essentially wouldn’t have mattered because I live in CA and the state was going blue no matter what, but my head was telling me not to chance that, especially considering the possibility of a Trump presidency was imminent, and I wanted to make sure I stopped him.

It hurt my heart so, so, so much that I voted for Clinton.  She supports and has done SO many terrible things that I don’t support.  Especially when she stood by her husband and silenced the women that came forward and accused him of rape and sexual assault.  It seriously hurt me when I cast my vote for her, and I repent for what I did.  In a weird and very minuscule way, I’m kind of glad she didn’t win.  Clears my conscience a little.  But, I’m still really, really, really, upset that Trump won.

And the thing is, is that I hear a lot of people who voted for Clinton say similar things as I said.  That they voted for Clinton, but hated the fact that they did vote for her.  They believed that she was the better of two evils, as did I.  However, I don’t hear Trump supporters say anything along these lines.  Maybe because my closest exposure to Trump supporters is my Facebook feed, as well as the fact that it is hard to find news from either side from unbiased news outlets.  Typically, no matter what the outcome, you support your President-elect, but in this case, it is really hard for me to see why anyone would support Trump.

I can see why people voted for him.  His platform was enticing for a lot of people: he championed for poor and working class Americans, who have become seriously forgotten in the political world.  He spoke against the TPP and vowed to stop outsourcing jobs to other countries.  He pushed to “build the wall” between Mexico and the US and stop illegal immigration into the United States.  He also vowed to kill ISIS, and no one wants to be terrorized by ISIS again.

But Trump has said some incredibly ignorant and offensive things throughout the campaign.  He has disrespected women, people of color, Muslims, Mexicans, immigrants, and the LGBTQIA community.  He has cheated the federal tax system for years (people who call him saavy, ugh, please stop) and hasn’t supported the troops and education system and other programs that our federal taxes pay for.  He also has some serious mental health issues and psychopathic tendencies, and this person is going to be the leader of the free world.

Don’t even get me started on Mike Pence.  He is a true bigot, and has a crap ton more experience that Donald Trump in politics.  His political savviness, coupled with Trump’s lack of experience, means that he is most likely going to have a huge say in the Trump administration. He’s already taken on a larger role in the transition, and it probably won’t stop there.  Can we say Frank Underwood in House of Cards, much?  LOLOLOL, I friggen love that show.

But it hurts me that through all the negative things have been said by Trump about already marginalized groups, people support him to the ends of the Earth.  I understand that people are tired of being unrecognized by the elites in Washington, and Trump is someone that might be able to break the cycle.  But, Trump is also an elite himself, so I don’t know how he could be much different aside from the fact that he has ZERO experience in government or has not served our country.  But, when his supporters defend everything he has said, saying that he’s not racist, homophobic, or everything else, that is not being supportive, that is being ignorant.  And maybe you think of yourself as not racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, or homophobic, but by supporting Trump, you’re saying that you don’t care about any of these groups.  Maybe if the supporters say something along the lines that they only supported his policies, maybe I will forgive their vote.  But even then, I’m not fully convinced about it.  I’ll just have to see if and when it ever happens.

Working class white Americans, I hear, understand, agree with your concerns.  Too many American jobs are being shipped out to other countries, and they should stay here.  There are so many Americans out there that have been stripped of their jobs and deserve to have them back.  But, America was only great for you back then because you had jobs.  That same America that you miss so much was a pretty shitty America for people of color and other marginalized groups.  We need to be able to find a balance for all people of the United States.

To say that I hope Trump doesn’t succeed is an ignorant thing for me to say.  I don’t want this country to go to shit, so I hope that he is able to do good things.  But if he resorts to any type of bigotry against marginalized groups, I will be along side the people to protest it.  Washington hasn’t been working for a while, so maybe Trump is what we need to break Washington and create the change that we want to see.  The election of Trump has brought together so many people who strive for social justice and equality for all people.  I hope that through this sad time, we are able to rise above the bigotry and hatred, and fight for what is right.

I’m sorry for all the hate filled things I said in my last post, and hope this clear things up.

It’s Hell On Earth and the City’s On Fire

Inhale, inhale, there’s Heaven.

I realize my posting hasn’t been very regular.  Aside from the fact that I’m sitting here, two months post-grad, and still unemployed, I feel like I haven’t had anything to post. Life has been pretty boring, and I’ve been struggling to figure out what the fuck I want to do.  I’m stuck at a crossroads: I want to be working again, but am scared that I won’t be able to get the time around Christmas off.  With my parents living in Colorado, and plans already made for my family from both coasts to go there, I don’t want to be the only out of the family shenanigans, especially since this would be the first Christmas that we would be all together since Christmas 2009.

I’ve stopped applying for jobs, knowing that I still should be filling out applications.  But all the people I’ve spoken to have said that most places stop hiring between the end of summer and the start of the new year, so I’m basically shit out of luck until January.  My luck that I graduated in August.

As long as all the paperwork goes through, I will be starting at UCSF as an unpaid volunteer intern for a clinical research project.  This is definitely something that I am excited to start, especially since I haven’t really done anything since graduation.  It kind of sucks that it’s unpaid, but hey, experience is experience, and I’m excited to start something that I’ve never done.  Hopefully it goes well.

I’ve also been reading a lot more.  When I was in elementary and middle school, I used to read a whole bunch.  But, through high school and the majority of college, the amount of reading that I did for pleasure plummeted dramatically.  I struggled to enjoy most of the books that I read during that period, mostly because we would analyze them to the bone. There were a couple that I did enjoy, as a matter of fact I read The Great Gatsby in 10th grade, and to this day it is one of my favorite books.  I’ve read for pleasure here and there in college, but didn’t really start again until my junior year.  My reading drive has been up and down since then, but it never fully went away.  This month, I’ve read 6 books so far. I’ll do a reading wrap up later toward the end of the month.

I haven’t really wanted to post because I’ve been afraid that I wouldn’t get the feedback that I want.  But today, I realized through a YouTube video that I watched, that I shouldn’t be posting for other people, I should be posting for myself.  Even if the post is dull, I really and truly enjoy writing these posts.  It’s therapeutic, especially since my mental health hasn’t been the best (it’s definitely not the worst it’s been, but it hasn’t been this bad in a long time).  I need to realize that no matter what the response is on my posts, that I’m doing this for me.  Sure, not all of my posts will be well received by others, but as long as it is true to me and what I’m feeling at that particular moment, then it’s a successful post on my part.

That being said, I want to make a couple end of the year goals.  Let’s not call them resolutions; I never stick to those shits.

1.  Write more.  I don’t necessarily need to go back to posting every day or every other day, but I think at least once a week is a doable thing.
2. Continue to read.  I feel more intelligent when I read, LOL.  Whether or not it’s something that has existential meaning or if it’s some shits and giggles book, the act of reading makes me feel like I’m being productive with my life.
3. Clean!  I’m not an incredibly messy person (thanks Maa), but ever since I entered college, my standards of cleanliness have dropped, thanks to some nasty ass roommates.  But I really cleaned today, and not only is the house less cluttered, but so is my mind.
4. Work on my mental health.  Mental health issues run rampant in my family, and as bad as I think I am, I’m actually on the lighter side of things.  I want to be better so I can effectively help the rest of my family and my friends.

That’s it.  I just want to thank all of my followers for continuing to stick with me despite my erratic posting.  It means the world to me.

Thank you.

No Letting Go

No holding back.

Post grad life sucks.

When I was in school, all I wanted to do was get the fuck out.  Now that I am out, I’m not only struggling to find a job, but I’m struggling mentally as well.  Everyday I wake up wondering whether or not the four years that I spent in undergrad slaving away at the computer and sacrificing a social life for money was worth any of the effort I put in.

I look back now and realize that I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have.  I should have gotten more involved in extracurriculars, I should have gotten involved in research in my major (Biochemistry), I should’ve tried to get internships I should’ve taken a serious look at whether or not I was working toward something I wanted or something that would please my parents.

When I started college, my brother was already four years into his schooling at Georgia Tech, and was in the middle of his dismal decline at the institution.  With the self disappointment of my brother’s impending failure looming in their heads, my parents looking at me as their “perfect” child; the one that was going to bring them a degree with no trouble.  The pressure of this expectation on my shoulders weighed heavily down upon me during my whole undergrad career.  My only focus was going to class and getting good grades.

Only during the second semester of my junior year did I begin volunteering, which I stopped in January of this year because of the overnight shifts I did at the new job that I started.  Even that work stopped in May because I moved out of San Francisco, and commuting from 70 miles away from the city rendered it impossible for me to go to school, study, work, and get a wink of sleep.

But even before that, my motivation began to waver.  My grades began to drop, “C’s get degrees” became my new motto, and I even got a D in my Biochemistry II class (my fucking MAJOR) and had to retake it.  The icing on the cake came when I applied for graduation and recieved the news that I couldn’t graduate in May and had to take a summer class in order to graduate.

And yes, even though I was able to overcome some academic struggles and get my degree, I feel like I can’t go any further.  One month post grad (On the 12th of this month, it’ll be two months), I’ve botched one job interview, gotten countless rejections, and feel like I can’t even go to grad school because I didn’t make any meaningful connections with my teachers, because anxiety and the fear that they will think I’m stupid and asking too much of them.

Before, I would blame outside sources for my failings and utter mediocrity, but I now realize that I have no one to blame but myself.  I was the only one that held myself back, and subsequently, I’ve began the process of disappointing the most important people in my life.

At this point, I am seriously thinking redoing undergrad would be the best option for me.  Maybe going back and being more involved and proactive in my learining would help.  I look at my brother, who despite all the hard times in his first six years at Georgia Tech, has a 3.8 GPA in his new school, is thriving at his internship, and is succeeding in life, and see that maybe a second time around would be a good idea for me.  I look at my sister, a graphic design major, and I see how happy and how involved she is, and I envy her passion.  She is doing something she loves, and the passion radiates from within her.

Prior to starting college, I wanted to go into journalism.  But I was told by my whole family that if I did it, I would be unemployed after graduation (oh, the irony).  So, I did Biochemistry, planning to be a doctor (-_-), and although there were many parts of my education that did interest me, I don’t know if it’s what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have only one goal in mind: to help people.  Through my volunteering stint, I’ve learned that going into the public health sector may be something that I want to do.  But remember, I have no tangible relationships with professors, so that equates to no recommendation letters= no Master’s program.

So here I am, writing this, watching Sunday Night Football, unemployed, and feeling the lingerings of clinical depression quickly building inside me.  The feeling of unknowingness and despair are getting nearly unbearable, and I am clueless of what to do and how to fix it.

I need a sign.

PS: My computer is broken so I am typing this from my iPad.  If there are any typos, I apologize.

Carried Me Through Desperation

To the one that was waiting for me.

The past week and a half has been a whirlwind of sorts.  The combination of studying for finals, prepping for my cousin’s wedding and a two week trip to the East Coast, which includes trips to Philly, NYC, Jersey, and the DMV area, has left me in a state of exhaustion.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m stoked to be out here instead of being stuck in boring California.  But, especially during the Saturday of the wedding, the exhaustion caught up to me.

I had come to Philly Thursday morning running on 1.5 hours of sleep, and until Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), I had gotten less than three hours of sleep each night. The day of the wedding consisted of one hour of sleep, and an endless barrage of to-do’s prior to the ceremony.  Accompanied with the lack of sleep the whole week due to finals, all I wanted to do was die on Saturday.  I was pulled one way to help with the center pieces, the other way to help with a playlist that never got to play, another way to choreograph a dance, and another way to run countless errands.

In the end, I ended up missing the Gaye Holud at an ungodly 6AM, and the Baraat, which I made a playlist for that never saw the light.  I also missed the bride and groom’s entrance into the reception and didn’t eat dinner at the wedding.

The disorganization for the wedding was astounding; I never thought a wedding being run by a planner could be done so poorly, but I can’t even blame the planner.  My family has never been organized.  In fact, we are pretty much the definition of disorganization.  But you would think that if there was a planner, some type of organization would be followed. But somehow, my family managed to override the careful planning of a wonderful wedding planner and bring about a disastrously disorganized mess of a wedding that can really only be done through my relatives.

I have never really been the person to sit down, plan, sort, and think logically, despite my science background.  That is simply not the way I function.  It’s not necessarily the best way to go about life, but it’s worked thus far, and you know what they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

However, when I arrived Thursday at the ass-crack of dawn, instead of heading to sleep to catch up on some much needed Z’s from a not-so-hot finals week, I was immediately sent to run errands that should have been done weeks prior to the week of the wedding.

Now, this isn’t to say that I didn’t want to help with the festivities.  The cousin getting married wasn’t just my cousin, but she was the older sister I never had.  So, I put my feelings to the side because the most important day of her life, not mine, was coming.  And I was ready to do anything to help make this the best for her and her future husband.

I take that back, she is like my second older sister, right after my brother. 😉

But, despite my best efforts, my dysfunctional family always manages to disorganize everything and create huge messes of everything that don’t need to be messed with in the first place.  And they manage to start drama or rekindle the flames of old drama during the MOST inconvenient times.  As my generation of people try to put any and all beef to the back and try to bring about happiness for my cousin who has done so much for us, the older generation cannot stop their bullshit arguments for the sake of their daughter’s/niece’s wedding.  It got so annoying that I tried to avoid and ignore all the adults, including my parents, who I haven’t seen in months, at all costs.  And as always, all the drama that never should have been talked about in the first place caused an incredible amount of disorganization that all ended up falling on my cousin, despite how much we other cousins tried to keep it off of her.  She already has the tendency to take things personally and get emotionally attached to everything, which is why we purposely kept everything going on behind the scenes from her.  She cares too much about familial issues, trivial or not, something I don’t do enough of. My family is cuckoo, I don’t have the energy to care about the trivial shit.

But, despite the shit-show of stuff that happened prior to the wedding, the end result was a success.  The bride and groom enjoyed their time celebrating their love and matrimony, and we as the spectators watched lovingly as their happiness spread contagiously around the room and seeped into the hearts of even the emotionally unavailable like myself.  The alcohol was flowing, the music was popping, and two beers, three vodka cranberries, a green tea martini, and countless ratchets dances later, I was propelled through the wedding of two people who I care deeply about.

Because not even fucked up family dynamics can stop a love like theirs.

#curryfriedchicken

 

So If You’re Down On Your Luck

Then you should know just how it feels. 

Next week is the last week of my undergraduate career.

It feels weird to even be thinking of that.  For the past 17 years of my life, I have been subjected to the rigors of the educational system, endlessly being fed the history of the country, the inferior societal positions of people of color and women, the never-ending confusion of how to take the tangent of an angle.

And it’s coming to an end next week.

Four years ago, when I entered college, I already wanted it to end.  I was so fed up with school, and not only did I go to school in a place where I didn’t want to go initially, I was simply tired of being part of this robotic system of education that society wants us all to be part of.  I didn’t want to be in school; I wanted to travel and learn about the world.  But, from a young age I was taught that education is the only way to be successful in life.  And I was kept from wandering off on to the road less traveled, and kept on the path to college.

But as my undergraduate years come to and end, I realized that I had a change of heart over the past four years.  Yes, I do wish that I was able to go out every weekend, befriend more people, and live the life of a business major (stereotype, but most business majors I know are major partiers).  Instead, I decided to be a science major, and slave over endless lecture slides of electron pushing mechanisms, biochemical pathways, and oxidation-reduction reactions.  I worked all four years of college, and decided that financial comfort was more important to me than going out bar hopping in the Mission.  After all, these student loans and San Francisco rent ain’t gon’ pay itself.  And, I don’t regret the decision that I made.

Throughout my years, I went through some tough times outside of class.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer, my brother was arrested twice and survived a car crash that should’ve killed him, I had to kick roommates out of my apartment for various reasons, my grandmom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and my parents moved to Colorado.  All of these affected my already fucked up mental state tremendously.  My grades slipped in crucial times of the semester, and ended up lowering my GPA.  But, I haven’t dropped below a cumulative GPA of 3.0, and although not what I wanted, it was good, considering the shit I had to endure.  Yes, I know I have it a lot better than most, but considering how privileged I was to grow up the way I did, this stuff was hard.

It is true that many of my classes required me to memorize a shit ton of things, but when I was taught, and not lectured at, I learned.  Instead of memorizing the glycolytic pathway, I learned the purpose of the pathway is to create pyruvate, which is subsequently used in the electron transport chain, oxidative-phosphorylation, and ATP synthase to create the energy we use, ATP.  I isolated alkaline phosphatase from a K-12 strain of E. coli, and studied its kinetics.  I learned.

Initially, I hated the idea of going to college, but it was the only path I knew to take.  Now, I am thankful for my education.  Whether or not I use it in my career, I am thankful.  I learned so much problem solving and, surprisingly, creative thinking from all of my science classes.  I learned that I am capable of success if I work hard enough.  I learned that I work best under pressure.  I learned that although I am not perfect, I am a succeeding work in progress.  My grades are not the best, but they aren’t the worst.  I could’ve done way better if I applied myself more.  But, college is hard.  I let things get to me when they shouldn’t have.  My work and volunteer experience brought about a new understanding of the world I wouldn’t have experienced had I not gone to college.

So as my undergraduate career comes to an end, it’s a bittersweet feeling.  I’m glad the seemingly never-ending lecture notes, the bad lecturers, the terrible tests, and pretentious classmates are in my past.  But, I’ll be stepping outside the overbearing system I’ve been sheltered by for the past 17 years.  And I’m still clueless as ever about my future.

And although graduate school is still in my future, I need to figure out what I’ll be going there for.  So, for the time between now and grad school, I’m scared.  This chunk of time is so crucial for me to not disappoint my parents that I’m getting anxious just typing about it.

I don’t know if I had any direction in what I wrote, I’m literally going off the top when I usually write things down prior to posting.  But, the main takeaway is this:

I’m scared.

 

Tu Hai Jahaan

Main hoon vahaan.

I don’t consider myself to be a socially awkward person.

I have a tendency to by shy, and am not traditionally the person to initiate conversation with a person.  But when someone starts a conversation with me, I typically can very easily continue to conversation, even if it’s the most boring and dull conversation in the history of bad conversations.  I like talking and holding thought provoking conversations with people.  This is why I don’t consider myself socially awkward.

However, I have an issue of going to crowded places alone.  My anxiety skyrockets, and I feel like everyone in the world is looking at me and silently judging me in their heads.

And in my head, I know that no one really gives a flying fuck about me, but my anxiety has the tendency to disregard everything my head says.  Thanks, anxiety.  You’re great.

And the place my anxiety built up recently?

Menchie’s.  Yes, a goddamn fro-yo joint.

It has been really hot in the Valley lately, and a couple of days ago, the high climbed up to 103 degrees.  It was still 95 degrees at 10PM, when I decided to go to Menchie’s at get my cup full of toppings with a little fro-yo.  I was having a really rough time with one of my lab reports that was due in 12 hours, so I decided to get fro-yo to get my mind off of it, and thought that since the place closed at 11PM, it wouldn’t be crowded.

Yeah, I was wrong.

Most people who go to get fro-yo go with friends or family, but I was alone.  With my moving here a couple months ago and my hectic commuter schedule, the only people I know are my neighbors, who I’m on a small talk basis with.  All my good friends are still in the City or South Bay, where I went to high school for 2 years.

So, when I went to this place at saw it was completely packed, I almost turned my car around just so I didn’t have to deal with my anxiety, which was already emerging from its dormancy just looking at the crowd.  But, I had made my mind up on getting fro-yo, so I tried to push down the already bubbling volcano of my anxiety and get my food.

I had tunnel vision when I got in there, but as I unsuccessfully tried to get my cookies and cream fro-yo, the tunnel was crumbling, and I felt embarrassed that I tried to get a flavor in which none was left.  Why this trivial thing that I had no control over affect me so much is beyond me.  So, I got all chocolate and got all my toppings.

I went to the cashier, who was one of the owners, and told her my phone number for my rewards.  She wasn’t understanding the fact that my phone number had a different area code than the local one and it was not that of one in a neighboring area, and she kept entering in my number incorrectly.  Prolonging the process of me getting my fro-yo?  Not good.  The lava was nearing the summit of the volcano, readying itself to explode.

She finally got my number right, and told me I had a $5 rewards.  I told her to use it, and with the rewards, my total came to $1 and some change.  I only had my card, and when I handed it to her, she asked me if I had cash, since it cost the business a lot to charge a little amount to a card.  Volcano: exploded.

As she kept repeating this point, after I had already told her to save the reward, I felt the stares of her employee, husband, and other customers in line.  I felt my sweat glands open, and my body heated up in embarrassment.  The whole world began to shut in on me, and I didn’t even do anything wrong.  She continued to repeat the point as she swiped my card, and I had to ask for a lid just to get her to shut up so I could get out of there.  As I walked out, I felt judged and ridiculed by the patrons, knowing full well in my head that no one cared.  But, when that volcano explodes, all rational and logical thought processors in my head shut off. I power walked to my car, where I laid my head upon my steering wheel and tried to breathe before heading home.

This type of social anxiety is what deters me from going out alone to bars, restaurants, movies, and any other place where people traditionally inhabit with friends.  I study a lot at coffee shops, and even then it’s super hard for me to go to crowded ones.  I will literally go out of my way just to find a less crowded one, despite the fact that most of the people at coffee shops are alone trying to get work done.  I wish that I could move away from this anxiety, especially since I live alone in a town where I know no one.  It would be cool to make friends here, but this anxiety stops me from going out and conversing with anyone.

It sucks.

Can’t Keep Running Away

I hate silence.

It usually causes a lot of unease, in turn causing my anxiety to skyrocket.

Usually, when I’m at home, it sounds like there is some type of popping house party taking place, but in reality, it’s just me blasting my music, trying to drown out the silence of solitude.

However, for the past couple days, I’ve been bathing in the shower of silence.  I usually need some type of loud noise to help clear the negative thoughts in my head, but I think I’m slowly learning ways to clear these thoughts effectively in silence.

I still need some type of white noise to help keep extreme anxiety at bay, and to help me sleep, but the lack of bass reverberating through the floors and walls from the likes of Kanye West and The Pharacyde has been a foreign type of refreshing.

I still prefer to have the music on (like right now, I’m listening to ScHoolboy Q’s Blank Face EP), but every so often, I enjoy shutting it off.  The music helps to inspire my writing, but I believe the absence of the melodies helps to get my thoughts down on paper in a clearer and more creative manner.

Music makes me SO happy.  It helps to tame my fears and anxieties about life and the state of the world.  I become so lost in the music, riding the waves of the melodies and harmonies, but the silence forces me to face these fears and anxieties, because at the end of the day, I can’t continue to run away from dealing with these demons.  I cannot let the continue to control me in my everyday life.

Living in San Francisco for four years has affected me greatly.  In the city, I was constantly surrounded by the noise of the cars and light rail passing by, incessantly honking at the pedestrians who never waited for their right of way.  Music would constantly blasting from my pothead neighbors’ apartment.  My roommates were around when I needed to talk to someone so I could get out of my head.  When I moved to the Valley in May, the quietness of suburbia haunted me.  But now, I’m learning to embrace the silence, even though I still want to move out of the Valley and back into any city, really.  I still need some type of white noise to get me to sleep, but lately, the white noise is all of needed to get me through the day comfortably.  It’s refreshing, and I hope to eventually be comfortable at all times in silence.