Main hoon vahaan.
I don’t consider myself to be a socially awkward person.
I have a tendency to by shy, and am not traditionally the person to initiate conversation with a person. But when someone starts a conversation with me, I typically can very easily continue to conversation, even if it’s the most boring and dull conversation in the history of bad conversations. I like talking and holding thought provoking conversations with people. This is why I don’t consider myself socially awkward.
However, I have an issue of going to crowded places alone. My anxiety skyrockets, and I feel like everyone in the world is looking at me and silently judging me in their heads.
And in my head, I know that no one really gives a flying fuck about me, but my anxiety has the tendency to disregard everything my head says. Thanks, anxiety. You’re great.
And the place my anxiety built up recently?
Menchie’s. Yes, a goddamn fro-yo joint.
It has been really hot in the Valley lately, and a couple of days ago, the high climbed up to 103 degrees. It was still 95 degrees at 10PM, when I decided to go to Menchie’s at get my cup full of toppings with a little fro-yo. I was having a really rough time with one of my lab reports that was due in 12 hours, so I decided to get fro-yo to get my mind off of it, and thought that since the place closed at 11PM, it wouldn’t be crowded.
Yeah, I was wrong.
Most people who go to get fro-yo go with friends or family, but I was alone. With my moving here a couple months ago and my hectic commuter schedule, the only people I know are my neighbors, who I’m on a small talk basis with. All my good friends are still in the City or South Bay, where I went to high school for 2 years.
So, when I went to this place at saw it was completely packed, I almost turned my car around just so I didn’t have to deal with my anxiety, which was already emerging from its dormancy just looking at the crowd. But, I had made my mind up on getting fro-yo, so I tried to push down the already bubbling volcano of my anxiety and get my food.
I had tunnel vision when I got in there, but as I unsuccessfully tried to get my cookies and cream fro-yo, the tunnel was crumbling, and I felt embarrassed that I tried to get a flavor in which none was left. Why this trivial thing that I had no control over affect me so much is beyond me. So, I got all chocolate and got all my toppings.
I went to the cashier, who was one of the owners, and told her my phone number for my rewards. She wasn’t understanding the fact that my phone number had a different area code than the local one and it was not that of one in a neighboring area, and she kept entering in my number incorrectly. Prolonging the process of me getting my fro-yo? Not good. The lava was nearing the summit of the volcano, readying itself to explode.
She finally got my number right, and told me I had a $5 rewards. I told her to use it, and with the rewards, my total came to $1 and some change. I only had my card, and when I handed it to her, she asked me if I had cash, since it cost the business a lot to charge a little amount to a card. Volcano: exploded.
As she kept repeating this point, after I had already told her to save the reward, I felt the stares of her employee, husband, and other customers in line. I felt my sweat glands open, and my body heated up in embarrassment. The whole world began to shut in on me, and I didn’t even do anything wrong. She continued to repeat the point as she swiped my card, and I had to ask for a lid just to get her to shut up so I could get out of there. As I walked out, I felt judged and ridiculed by the patrons, knowing full well in my head that no one cared. But, when that volcano explodes, all rational and logical thought processors in my head shut off. I power walked to my car, where I laid my head upon my steering wheel and tried to breathe before heading home.
This type of social anxiety is what deters me from going out alone to bars, restaurants, movies, and any other place where people traditionally inhabit with friends. I study a lot at coffee shops, and even then it’s super hard for me to go to crowded ones. I will literally go out of my way just to find a less crowded one, despite the fact that most of the people at coffee shops are alone trying to get work done. I wish that I could move away from this anxiety, especially since I live alone in a town where I know no one. It would be cool to make friends here, but this anxiety stops me from going out and conversing with anyone.
It sucks.
Jess B 