Fall In Your Ways

“So you can wake up and rise.” 

My head is just a jumble of thoughts right now.  Everything is just going rapid fire through my synapses and it’s hard for me to process what is even going on right now.

This goes beyond who voted for who, this goes beyond whose fault it is that the country has come to what it has.  I stand by my previous post: if you voted, no matter who you voted for, I respect your vote.  I respect the fact you partook in the democratic system.  This system breaks if people don’t vote.  And, I think we can all agree that given how close this election was, everyone’s vote mattered.

It all comes down to one thing: my country, the only country that I know and love, has voted in a racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, homophobic pathetic excuse for a man as the 45th President of the United States.

For anyone who thinks that I am harsh and judgmental, I am.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

He has berated and belittled populations of people that are already disparaged in American society.  He has disrespected people who identify with the gender I identify with.  He has disrespected immigrants, who I see first hand as some of the most hard working people in this country; people who NEVER take what they have for granted.  He has disrespected people who do not belong in the same racial group that he belongs to.  He has disrespected the PEACEFUL people of a religion because of a group of radicals who do NOT represent the religion in the slightest.  He disrespected people who simply choose to love people of the same gender.  And, worst of all, he has never held elected office or even served our country.  How can people think that someone who has never done anything to support our government can be the LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD?!

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

But what boggles my mind the most is not his views; there are plenty of ignorant people in the world that truly do believe in what he believes (or at least says).  It’s the matter of how many people constitute that plenty.  I do realize that in the end, Hillary Clinton does carry the popular vote (will be discussed shortly), but the fact that she (currently) carries a little more than 200,000 votes more than Trump speaks more than volumes.  It tells me that almost 60 million people (more if you count the people who cannot/did not vote) agree with the message that he conveys.  That almost 60 million people are racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, and homophobic.  It does not surprise me as much as disappoint me that the majority of white men in this country voted for Trump.  It deeply, deeply saddens and disappoints me that 50% of white WOMEN turned out for Trump.

Why, ladies?  Why? What exactly do you see in Donald Trump?

Oh, and fuck the electoral college. The electoral college is an antiquated system of bullshit.  It stopped Al Gore from Presidency in 2000, and once again stops the presidency of Hillary Clinton.

And for those of the Hillary haters that said, “I voted Trump because Hillary is a crooked criminal, blah blah,” bullshit, realize that by voting/supporting Trump, you are supporting everything he has said to disparaged groups in this country.  A country that embraces the nickname of “melting pot.”  A country that prides itself on its diversity and interest in diversity.  People of color, immigrants, women, and LGBTQIA people make up a HUGE portion of this country, and contribute billions of dollars to the economy of this country, and for him to be able to say he does not respect these groups of people is reprehensible.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

This isn’t to say that Hillary Clinton doesn’t come with her flaws.  As I said in my previous post, none of the candidates of the election were anywhere near ideal.  Hillary Clinton is not a good person.  I can totally see that.  I see that she had her email scandal, I see that she was most responsible for the four deaths of Americans in Benghazi, I see that she does not support the oppressed people of Palestine and instead supports the hostile occupation of the lands of Palestine by Israel, I see that she stood by the side of her husband in the wake of the women accusing him of sexual assault and rape.  I don’t just see it all, I understand and comprehend it all.  Hillary Clinton is not a good woman.  And as a woman, it hurts me to have supported her and wanted her to win for the well-being of this country.

It comes down to moral triggers for me though.  I cannot support conservative candidates because of their pro-life stances and anti-LGBTQIA stances, which are my biggest moral triggers.  I will not and cannot ever support a person who holds these views.  The graphic way that Donald Trump described abortions by “ripping the baby out of the uterus” in the third debate (I believe) was abhorrent.  On top of this, he held all his other hideous stances, and I simply could NEVER back a candidate like him.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

As a pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-religious freedom, pro-immigration  woman of color, who is also the daughter and niece of some of the most hard-working immigrants in this country, it not only hurts me that I will soon be calling Donald J. Trump my President, but that there are millions upon millions of people out there that support and agree with his stances and messages.  It scares me that there are so many people out there that hate me, and hate my fellow people of color, my fellow women, my fellow minorities in all aspects of life.  Even in the most liberal of states, California, it scares me.  My parents live in Colorado in a place that highly supports Trump, and their well-being scares me to pieces.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

“Make America Great Again.”  I urge all of the people out there to tell me, when was America great before?  I’ll tell you when people believe that it was great.  When working class white men had jobs and could still consider themselves to be above black people and other people of color.  That is when these white men and women believe America was “great.”  And I am not discounting the views of these working class men and women.  Their point of losing their jobs to people overseas is valid; what isn’t valid is that they believe that America was great when their people had jobs and millions of people of color and other disparaged groups were mistreated and disrespected by not just the white elites, but all classes of white people.  America wasn’t great then.  It was only great for you.  It was incredibly shitty for the rest of the people.  And people of color still feel the hate today.  The election of Donald Trump just solidified our beliefs.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

And to all the people out there that white supremacy doesn’t exist: here is your fucking example.  If any, and I mean, any, person of color had said or done any of the things that not just Donald Trump, but Hillary Clinton has done, they would have NEVER been in the race.  NEVER.  If a person of color said that they hate white people or called white people “criminals and rapists,” they would NEVER, EVER have become President of the United States.  This is so outrightly an example of the white supremacist power in this country, and it pains me to even think that people don’t see it.  There are so many times that Donald Trump could have used his white supremacy to uplift and help communities of color, and instead he puts us down.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

So, to all my brothers and sisters of color, to all my brothers and sisters that identify as LGBTQIA, to all my brothers and sisters that are immigrants or hail from immigrant families, to all my brothers and sisters that practice the beautiful religion we call Islam, and to all my beautiful sisters out there, I am here for you.  I care deeply for you.  I care deeply for your safety.  I love you.  Let us all band together and work to make a difference in the world.  If you need to talk, please please please, do not hesitate to reach out.

I am NOT sorry that I cannot support him.

This Ain’t Gonna Stop

“So we just gonna continue.”

I am about to feed into the clusterfuck of articles that are about the United States’ 2016 Election Day, but I feel strongly about this, so here it goes.

Today, November 8th, 2016, is Election Day, which signals the hopeful end of this shit-show that we here in the US call the 2016 Presidential Election.  As entertaining as the comedy that has come out of this election has been, I am more than extremely excited for this state of insanity to come to an end.  In my short 22 years of life, I don’t remember seeing an election that has aggravated me so much.  Obviously, none of the candidates are ideal (yes, I am including 3rd party candidates), but all the empty back and forth rhetoric coming from all sides the spectrum has been absolutely grinding, and I, for one, am ecstatic that today marks the end (until inauguration in January, of course).  This election marks a slew of candidates that are far less ideal than any of the other Presidential candidates that have ran in my lifetime, but I cannot stress enough one thing:

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER.

Voting is a privilege, no matter how many people tell you that it’s a right.  No one in this country has the RIGHT to vote.  This RIGHT can be taken away so quickly that you don’t even recognize it’s gone.  The people out there that can vote have the PRIVILEGE to vote.  I am a citizen of the US by birth, and have been law abiding enough that today, I can vote in my second Presidential election.  Today, I have the PRIVILEGE to vote for the next leader of the free world.

There are millions of people in this country that would do anything to have their voices heard, do anything to be in the position that I am in, but aren’t for one reason or another.  Many immigrants, documented or undocumented, are unable to vote because they are not naturalized citizens of this country.  It costs “buku” (thanks, Andre 3000)  dollars to become a citizen of this country, and many people don’t even have green card money to shell out to the government, let alone citizenship money.  Undocumented immigration has been a huge issue in this election, and these immigrants OF ALL ORIGINS (not just Mexican) can’t even have their voices heard because of the unfortunate situation they are in.

Today, I vote for them.

There are another couple million people, disproportionately black men, that have been labeled as felons, and have lost their right to vote.  Whether this label has been put on them rightfully or wrongfully, many of these people have been come voiceless, in more ways than one.  Many of these people will never have the chance to vote again.

Today, I vote for them.

It is incredibly easy for me to lose my right to vote, and I realize and recognize this fact.  I am tired of people saying, “Oh, I’m not going to vote in this election because none of the candidates are good.”  Realize what you are saying: “I am not going to vote.”  YOU have the privilege that others would “kill” (for lack of a better term) for.  DO NOT THROW AWAY THAT PRIVILEGE.  RECOGNIZE THAT PRIVILEGE AND USE IT.

I am human, I realize that none of these candidates are the best.  Yes, it hurt me to even bubble in my choice for President, because in my heart, I do not fully believe in the candidate that I voted for.  But, in life, we have to do things we don’t like, and today, I had to partake in doing something I don’t normally do, putting my belief in someone that I don’t fully agree with.

Also, there is more than a Presidential election going on today.  Today, you also have the chance to vote for your state and local officials.  At the end of the day, the results of the Presidential election will not affect you as much as the results of these respective elections.  It is important to vote for the state and local officials of your choice, as it is important for you to vote for your state and local Propositions.  These people and propositions are going to affect you far more than the President ever will in your lifetime, guarantee it.

At this point, I don’t even care who you vote for.  Because it’s not my business who you believe in or not.  All I care about is that you practice your privilege to vote.  Because there are millions of people in this country, and BILLIONS of people in other countries that do not have the privilege to be part of this democratic system, even if it does have some major flaws.

So please, if you are a US citizen, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, go exercise your privilege to vote.

No More Love

We can’t even kick it no more.

If you don’t know what’s been happening in concern with Colin Kaepernick, you’ve obviously been living under a rock.

So for those of you sub-rock dwellers, here’s the jist: Kaepernick, quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, chose not to stand during the recitation of the National Anthem during their 3rd preseason game in protest of the oppression that Black Americans still face in this country.  In a subsequent practice, he wore socks depicting the cops as pigs, and in the last 49ers preseason game, he kneeled during the National Anthem.

Now, since many of you don’t know my football stances, here is mine on Colin Kaepernick: I don’t like him.  Simple as that.  Not too fond of him as a person, and definitely not fond of him as a player.  He’s overrated and just not that good.

However, it pains me to say, when he sat for the National Anthem, I supported what he did.  It doesn’t pain me as far as the reason is concerned, it pains me that I support a player that I don’t really like.

When this whole shenanigan happened last week, I asked my family what they thought about Kaepernick’s action.  The verdict: none of them supported it.  Main reason: Because it shows disrespect toward this nation and the troops that fight for it.

So as most things, I was in the minority in familial opinions.

But here’s the thing, when I stand for the National Anthem, I don’t stand in support of the troops.  I stand in support of the country that I live in.  A country where my parents came to in order to provide a better life for my siblings and me.  A country that I am incredibly blessed to live in.  None of these feelings have changed.

However, as with all things we love, there are qualities about this country that I hate.  And the systemic oppression of people of color, especially black people, is disgusting.  Years and years after slavery, the Jim Crow era, Japanese internment, and more, and still the oppression still exists against people of color.  And with all the recent events occurring with the police and black people, it hurts my heart that we still live in a world where we can’t all live as equals.

Which is why I support Kaepernick in sitting when the National Anthem was sung.  Not because I hate this country, but because there are things that need to change immediately.  When people say that not standing for the National Anthem is unpatriotic and shows lack of support for our troops, I take offense.  Despite the fact that I don’t support the war that this country never should have gotten involved in, I 100% support the people that are overseas fighting for this country.  However, when we say that everyone that lives here can enjoy the freedoms that are provided, it’s quite a stretch.  Because the simple fact is that people of color don’t enjoy the same freedom that our white counterparts do. Support of our troops is a patriotic act, and Kaepernick came out and said that he did support the troops.  But he doesn’t support the oppression of black people, and no one should.

For those who support the cause but say it should have been done in a different and more appropriate venue, let’s discuss.  Colin Kaepernick is a football player.  Yes, he may have presence elsewhere, but his biggest presence is on the field.  In order to convey a message to the most people, the most logical place to do so is where he has the most presence: during a game on the field.  There are so many athletes that have spoken out about this oppression, but as much as I hate to say it, I believe that Colin’s actions has been far more effective than any of the other athletes’ actions, and in this I include Michael Jordan’s message (which I have some issues with, but that’s for another time) and the message that began the 2016 ESPYs given by LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Paul, and Carmelo Anthony.

Some of you may be wondering why I decided to wait so long before posting something about this.  There are two reasons:

1. I wanted to hear what Kaep said about his actions and see what he did the next game.
2. I’ve been really busy.  Shameless explanation for lack of posts.

When Kaep and his teammate Eric Reid took a knee when the National Anthem was sung for the last preseason game, I think it was an effective way of showing support for the troops.  As far as conveyance of the primary message, I think it kind of takes away from it. While I see why Kaep took a knee instead of sitting, I think that he should’ve just stuck to his initial plan of action.  He can come out later to confirm his support for the troops, while still conveying the unjust treatment of people of color in this country.

So many critics of the Black Lives Matter movement say that the protests should be peaceful and non-violent, but when they are, as in the case of Colin Kaepernick, there is still backlash.  So to the critics: in this country, we all have the right to free speech and peaceful protest.  Let us speak.

I support what Kaep did.  I support the movement that Kaep fights for.  I do not support his decision to wear those stupid socks.  However, I understand his feelings toward the police.  But to say all police are the same is a huge generalization.  Just as it is for people to say that all black people are hoodlums and thugs (which is hugely wrong and incredibly racist).  I think he made the right decision in where he decided to convey his message. Overall, I think what he did was necessary in an era where people are too afraid to stand up for what they believe in (see Michael Jordan).

I sit with Colin.

What’s It Gonna Be

‘Cause I can’t pretend.

This post has really has nothing to do with sports, but was inspired by a story I saw yesterday.  Stay or leave at your own discretion, but please stay. 🙂

Yesterday, Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks and member of Team USA’s basketball team from the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio came out with a statement apologizing to Vanessa Carlton for “negatively” reacting to her song “A Thousand Miles” when his fellow Team USA teammates were belting the song.

The video, filmed by DeMar DeRozan, featured at overzealous Jimmy Butler belting the song, a strangely robed KD, and, in my eyes, a pretty indifferent ‘Melo.  But I see how it can be interpreted as the face of someone who is slightly annoyed at his younger teammates.

But I have a serious case of RBF, so I’m pretty sure my normal face looks like that, which is why I think he looks indifferent.

I have two issues with this story:

1. Why is this even a story?  Seriously, who actually gives a flying fuck that the guys were singing a song brought further into prominence by a metrosexual Terry Crews in a terrible-yet-so-good movie?
2. Is Carmelo Anthony not allowed to have an opinion, especially an opinion regarding a song?  Why did he have to apologize to a virtually irrelevant one hit wonder singer who I often get confused with Michelle Branch?  He came out saying in his apology that he actually likes the song, but I have to ask, does he really like it, or is he simply saying it to save face and appease the masses?

Which brings up a bigger philosophical equation: are we, as people, not allowed to have opinions on anything, in an attempt to not hurt others’ feelings?

As a Millennial, I can say with confidence that it is hard to have a conversation with my fellow Millennials without offending some of them.

I am someone with a very crude sense of humor.  I find many things funny, or can find the humor, in situations that are typically considered reprehensible.  This doesn’t apply to everything, such as dog fighting or rape; there is nothing funny about those.  But it does apply to racially charged, satirical jokes.  These jokes, which harbor such a heavy amount of stereotypes about the race in question, are funny, because although a stereotype, there are cases in which these stereotypes hold true.  Do I believe in these jokes and stereotypes?  No, but I find the racial satire hilarious, hence my love for The Boondocks.

But there are times in life when there are overly sensitive people that take these jokes, and really everything, so damn seriously.  And unfortunately, most of these people are of my generation, which is why I say that this generation needs to grow a fucking backbone.  It is so tiresome to constantly keep myself in check, and censor everything I say just so I don’t offend someone.  This isn’t to say that social norms in society are good; there are definitely things that need to get fixed, but there are things that we need to get over.  I can’t say anything without offending someone.

For example, I said the word, “Bitch,” to an overbearing feminist acquaintance, who was subsequently at my throat, yelling that the word is offensive to women, and as a female, I need to stop saying the word.

My response: “Bitch, shut the fuck up.”

I do believe in equal rights and treatment for women, but if I say that word, it’s my choice. You choose not to say the word, and that is your prerogative; you have an opinion on whether or not using the word is socially correct, and whether or not I agree, I respect the fact you have an opinion.

However, the majority of my generation doesn’t have the same mindset as I do.  All they care about is not offending someone, and if offended, they get incredibly butt-hurt (big words, I know) and express that emotion to everyone, whether or not anyone actually cares.  This fragile mindset of my generation utterly disgusts me, and I can’t help but wonder how we became like this.

I am a first generation American; I was raised by two immigrant parents who taught me to stand up to others and to criticize myself before criticizing others.  These two ideologies have blossomed into my being as a woman who has strong beliefs, but who can take criticism because I criticize my beliefs often, finding the holes in my ideologies, so I can strengthen them.  Because I practice this, I am able to take criticism and other negative opinions about me or my beliefs relatively well.  However, many of my millennial counterparts are unable to do so, and it aggravates me.

So, to my fellow Millennials, grow a backbone.  Realize that not everyone is going to agree with you, no matter how right you may be.  So instead of getting offended at worked up at someone’s obviously reprehensible views, take the time to educate them in a non-overbearing manner.  If they are unresponsive, let it go, and realize not everyone is going to change.  Realize that there are bigger problems in the world than someone not liking a song by an irrelevant artist.  Realize that getting offended by everything in the world will literally get you nowhere in the world.  Yes, there are plenty of ideologies that need to be changed in the world, but we cannot constantly sweat the small things.

So, my message to Carmelo: Take your apology back.  You’re entitled to your own opinion.

 

Just That: Trapped.

Go on and marinate on that for a minute. 

In less than two weeks, my cousin is getting married.

She is the first cousin in the group of cousins I grew up with that is getting married. Rightfully so, she is the oldest one.  She just turned 29 in June, and in Indian culture, for a female, getting married that “late” in life is considered taboo.  Even my parents, who are far more progressive than many other Indian parents, have told me that I need to get married by 25 or 26.

Let me remind you that I’m 22.  And with my track record, there is not a chance in hell that I’m going to be married by 26.

My second oldest cousin that I grew up with is turning 27 in September, and her mom already told her that she won’t be paying for my cousin’s wedding because she is over 24 years old, which was her marriage “deadline.”  In my cousin’s defense, she was in a relationship at 24, but it was abusive.

The older generations’ ideas that women are to be married at a young age are deeply rooted in the culture: my mom got married at 19, my grandmother at 17, and my great grandmother at 16.  The sheer thought of me getting married at any of those ages can’t fully register in my head; it is so incredibly and unbelievably insane.  I don’t even consider myself an adult right now; I couldn’t even fathom stepping into adult hood at any of those ages by walking around a pit of fire seven times.

To be totally honest, I still can’t see myself doing that now or in the future.  Maybe it’s just because I haven’t found the right man, but I have never really picture myself getting married.  I have always been a really independent person; I don’t (or at least try not to) rely on other people for things.  When I do, most of the time I end up regretting it. Growing up, I’ve had crushes, but never envisioned myself in a relationship (that could also be attributed to low self-esteem).  Prior relationships and attempts at relationships have failed because I felt too tied down because of the other person, a feeling I cringe at.

But the thing is, just because I don’t necessarily want or picture myself marrying doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with someone.  I would like a partner, and definitely want kids, but the whole idea of marriage is still up in the air.  And it’s kind of strange that it is. I’m the product of a good marriage: my parents have been happily (or so it seems) married for 30 years.  The two sets of aunts and uncles that I’m closest to have also been happily married for around the same amount of time.

But outside of this small group, many of the other marriages that I am exposed to are verbally and emotionally abusive, incredibly male dominant, which is everything I do not want.  But it is so prevalent in Indian culture (I say this as if there is a chance of me getting married to an Indian man, HA!  Never say never, though). And despite my exposure to really successful marriages, it is that bad ones that are imprinted on me.  I see my aunts getting abused constantly, being told they are dumb and don’t do anything right, and they just sit there are take it.  And that scares me.

On top of that, with some places saying divorce rates are as high as 50%, it deters me from even wanting to commit myself to someone on paper.  This isn’t to shit on anyone who has gotten a divorce, but I hope that people don’t strive to marry knowing that if it doesn’t work out, there is always divorce.  If I get married, I don’t want to have to go through that. Almost all my friends’ parents are divorced, and some have of “horror” stories of the trauma caused by their parents splitting up.  It saddens me that I am in the minority of my close friends whose parents are still together.

And this is why commitment and marriage scare me.

But, despite my thoughts, the questions will inevitably asked when I come to face all the family and family friends that I haven’t seen in awhile: “Jess, do you have a boyfriend? Jess, when are you getting married?  Your time is coming soon!”  And of course, these questions and statements will disproportionately be asked to the females in attendance , because we are supposed to strive for marriage, and the men have to strive for money, power, and success.  And of course, as a female, my success is based upon whether I marry or not.

Just as Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie says it happens in her Nigerian African culture, the same females-striving-for-marriage attitude exists in my culture.  They rarely ask me what I want to do with my degree (which I’m glad for), but instead ask about my non-existent partner and our future nuptial.

It irritates me that I as a woman cannot be thought of as independent from a man, when in reality, that is exactly what I am.  But the reverse of this ideology is so normal to society.  I don’t strive for marriage in my life right now, I strive for success and independence.  I strive to be content with myself.  If in the pursuit of these I do find a man to spend the rest of my life with, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes.

But for now, I’m good.

 

Tu Hai Jahaan

Main hoon vahaan.

I don’t consider myself to be a socially awkward person.

I have a tendency to by shy, and am not traditionally the person to initiate conversation with a person.  But when someone starts a conversation with me, I typically can very easily continue to conversation, even if it’s the most boring and dull conversation in the history of bad conversations.  I like talking and holding thought provoking conversations with people.  This is why I don’t consider myself socially awkward.

However, I have an issue of going to crowded places alone.  My anxiety skyrockets, and I feel like everyone in the world is looking at me and silently judging me in their heads.

And in my head, I know that no one really gives a flying fuck about me, but my anxiety has the tendency to disregard everything my head says.  Thanks, anxiety.  You’re great.

And the place my anxiety built up recently?

Menchie’s.  Yes, a goddamn fro-yo joint.

It has been really hot in the Valley lately, and a couple of days ago, the high climbed up to 103 degrees.  It was still 95 degrees at 10PM, when I decided to go to Menchie’s at get my cup full of toppings with a little fro-yo.  I was having a really rough time with one of my lab reports that was due in 12 hours, so I decided to get fro-yo to get my mind off of it, and thought that since the place closed at 11PM, it wouldn’t be crowded.

Yeah, I was wrong.

Most people who go to get fro-yo go with friends or family, but I was alone.  With my moving here a couple months ago and my hectic commuter schedule, the only people I know are my neighbors, who I’m on a small talk basis with.  All my good friends are still in the City or South Bay, where I went to high school for 2 years.

So, when I went to this place at saw it was completely packed, I almost turned my car around just so I didn’t have to deal with my anxiety, which was already emerging from its dormancy just looking at the crowd.  But, I had made my mind up on getting fro-yo, so I tried to push down the already bubbling volcano of my anxiety and get my food.

I had tunnel vision when I got in there, but as I unsuccessfully tried to get my cookies and cream fro-yo, the tunnel was crumbling, and I felt embarrassed that I tried to get a flavor in which none was left.  Why this trivial thing that I had no control over affect me so much is beyond me.  So, I got all chocolate and got all my toppings.

I went to the cashier, who was one of the owners, and told her my phone number for my rewards.  She wasn’t understanding the fact that my phone number had a different area code than the local one and it was not that of one in a neighboring area, and she kept entering in my number incorrectly.  Prolonging the process of me getting my fro-yo?  Not good.  The lava was nearing the summit of the volcano, readying itself to explode.

She finally got my number right, and told me I had a $5 rewards.  I told her to use it, and with the rewards, my total came to $1 and some change.  I only had my card, and when I handed it to her, she asked me if I had cash, since it cost the business a lot to charge a little amount to a card.  Volcano: exploded.

As she kept repeating this point, after I had already told her to save the reward, I felt the stares of her employee, husband, and other customers in line.  I felt my sweat glands open, and my body heated up in embarrassment.  The whole world began to shut in on me, and I didn’t even do anything wrong.  She continued to repeat the point as she swiped my card, and I had to ask for a lid just to get her to shut up so I could get out of there.  As I walked out, I felt judged and ridiculed by the patrons, knowing full well in my head that no one cared.  But, when that volcano explodes, all rational and logical thought processors in my head shut off. I power walked to my car, where I laid my head upon my steering wheel and tried to breathe before heading home.

This type of social anxiety is what deters me from going out alone to bars, restaurants, movies, and any other place where people traditionally inhabit with friends.  I study a lot at coffee shops, and even then it’s super hard for me to go to crowded ones.  I will literally go out of my way just to find a less crowded one, despite the fact that most of the people at coffee shops are alone trying to get work done.  I wish that I could move away from this anxiety, especially since I live alone in a town where I know no one.  It would be cool to make friends here, but this anxiety stops me from going out and conversing with anyone.

It sucks.

You’ve Got Me Feeling Emotions

Deeper than I’ve ever dreamed of. 

Yesterday was the first day of the Democratic National Convention in my hometown of Philadelphia, and just as I did for the RNC, I watched the ending speech at home because I was in school when the whole thing started.

The first huge difference is that even from the beginning, the speakers at the DNC didn’t try to scare me shitless.  In fact, I’ve never felt so proud to be an American.  I felt together with the people, even though I’m 3000 miles away from the convention.  I felt unified.

And as much as I enjoyed Sen. Bernie Sanders’s speech, which I saw as a clear attempt to unify the party and bring his voters over to Hillary’s side, it wasn’t the best speech of the night.  Sure, it was the most important speech, but definitely not the best.

There were two speeches last night that stood out to me.  Two speeches that were so incredibly uplifting, with one actually making me tear up.  Two speeches filled with deep emotion.  These speeches were by Sen. Cory Booker of New Jersey and First Lady Michelle Obama.

If we’re going to be totally honest here, I have never heard of Cory Booker before.  I’m from Philly, and most people from Philly don’t like New Jersey because it’s New Jersey. The only good things in New Jersey are the shore and Roy Rogers.  So, to no surprise, the person who is Sen. Cory Booker was someone who I didn’t know and didn’t really care to know.

But his speech yesterday changed my mind.

Booker’s speech was filled with hope, love, and unity.  His being was filled with so much passion for this speech, passion that I haven’t seen in years, and definitely didn’t see at the RNC.  He used Maya Angelou’s Still I Rise to create the line that brought his speech together: “America, we will rise.”  He called America a “nation of love,” but also went to call out Trump as a bully, saying, “America, at our best, we stand up to bullies.  And we fight those who seek to demean and degrade other Americans.  In times of crisis, we don’t abandon our values; we double down on them.”  He also says, “Cynicism is a refuge for cowards, and this nation is, and must always be, the home of the brave.”  My favorite part of Booker’s speech was right after he, along with many of the people in the crowd, recited the first verse of Still I Rise:

“Escaped slaves, knowing that liberty is not secure for some until it’s secure for all.  Sometimes hungry, often hunted in the dark woods and deep swamps, they looked up to the North Star and said with a determined whisper, ‘America, we will rise.'”

Booker’s speech was powerful and moving, and like many other people out there, I sure wouldn’t mind if I saw this man on the ballot in 2020.

I have never seen a bad speech by Michelle Obama.  She is simply an amazing speaker, and always speaks with so much heart and emotion.  But yesterday, Michelle’s speech moved me.  It literally moved me to tears.

The First Lady’s speech was not focused on policies like many of the other politicians’ speeches were.  Her speech was focused on our future, and the children who will be our future.  Her speech focused more so on Hillary Clinton’s character than her policies, a much needed view given that Clinton’s character is something so highly in question.  Her speech was uplifting, and she mentioned the bully of Donald Trump without even mentioning his name.  She says of bullies, “When they go low, we go high,” and goes on to say later, “[I want] someone who understands the issues a President faces are not black and white, and cannot be boiled down to 140 characters.”  She unified and uplifted people, stressed that America is stronger together, and to care and love for one another, and to set a good example for the children.

I have never cried during any type of election speech before.  But the line that brought me to tears went as follows:

“The stories of generations of people who felt the lash of bondage, the shame of servitude, the sting of segregation, but who kept on striving and hoping and doing what needed to be done so that today, I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves, and I watch my daughters, two beautiful intelligent black young women, playing with their dogs on the White House lawn.”

Even typing this quote brings about a whole slew of emotions.  This quote is so incredibly powerful, so incredibly uplifting, and tells everyone that no matter who you are and where you come from, you can achieve great success.  If you work hard and don’t let anyone get in your head, you can succeed.  And this is what I took away from Michelle Obama’s speech, which was the best speech I have ever seen at any National Convention.

This election is the first election in which I had a hard time choosing the candidate that I support.  My family has always been largely interested in politics, and even in 2000, at the age of 6, I was taught about the political system and the very basic differences of the two major parties of the system, and supported Al Gore.  Since then, I have always been able to side with a candidate, and in 2012, my first voting election, I easily sided with the incumbent because I supported him so much in 2008, the first election that truly moved me.  I didn’t vote in the CA primaries unfortunately, because I never got my mail in ballot got mailed to my old address and I was in Philadelphia at the time of the primary.  But, even at the time of the primaries, I was torn between the Bernie and Hillary.  I do believe that Hillary probably should be in jail, but I didn’t agree with all of Bernie’s policies, as with Hillary as well.  I look back now and know that I probably would have voted for Bernie, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

We are not in a democratic society where the third party is a viable option.  In this day and age, voting for a third party candidate is like voting for the party that you oppose.  I have hope that voting for Hillary is like voting for a third term Obama (can we overlook the 22nd Amendment just for this election?), and I generally agree with a lot of her policies. And it would be incredibly powerful that a woman could be our President, even if it is a looney like Hillary.

But we need to vote.  In this election, it is SO important.