No holding back.
Post grad life sucks.
When I was in school, all I wanted to do was get the fuck out. Now that I am out, I’m not only struggling to find a job, but I’m struggling mentally as well. Everyday I wake up wondering whether or not the four years that I spent in undergrad slaving away at the computer and sacrificing a social life for money was worth any of the effort I put in.
I look back now and realize that I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have. I should have gotten more involved in extracurriculars, I should have gotten involved in research in my major (Biochemistry), I should’ve tried to get internships I should’ve taken a serious look at whether or not I was working toward something I wanted or something that would please my parents.
When I started college, my brother was already four years into his schooling at Georgia Tech, and was in the middle of his dismal decline at the institution. With the self disappointment of my brother’s impending failure looming in their heads, my parents looking at me as their “perfect” child; the one that was going to bring them a degree with no trouble. The pressure of this expectation on my shoulders weighed heavily down upon me during my whole undergrad career. My only focus was going to class and getting good grades.
Only during the second semester of my junior year did I begin volunteering, which I stopped in January of this year because of the overnight shifts I did at the new job that I started. Even that work stopped in May because I moved out of San Francisco, and commuting from 70 miles away from the city rendered it impossible for me to go to school, study, work, and get a wink of sleep.
But even before that, my motivation began to waver. My grades began to drop, “C’s get degrees” became my new motto, and I even got a D in my Biochemistry II class (my fucking MAJOR) and had to retake it. The icing on the cake came when I applied for graduation and recieved the news that I couldn’t graduate in May and had to take a summer class in order to graduate.
And yes, even though I was able to overcome some academic struggles and get my degree, I feel like I can’t go any further. One month post grad (On the 12th of this month, it’ll be two months), I’ve botched one job interview, gotten countless rejections, and feel like I can’t even go to grad school because I didn’t make any meaningful connections with my teachers, because anxiety and the fear that they will think I’m stupid and asking too much of them.
Before, I would blame outside sources for my failings and utter mediocrity, but I now realize that I have no one to blame but myself. I was the only one that held myself back, and subsequently, I’ve began the process of disappointing the most important people in my life.
At this point, I am seriously thinking redoing undergrad would be the best option for me. Maybe going back and being more involved and proactive in my learining would help. I look at my brother, who despite all the hard times in his first six years at Georgia Tech, has a 3.8 GPA in his new school, is thriving at his internship, and is succeeding in life, and see that maybe a second time around would be a good idea for me. I look at my sister, a graphic design major, and I see how happy and how involved she is, and I envy her passion. She is doing something she loves, and the passion radiates from within her.
Prior to starting college, I wanted to go into journalism. But I was told by my whole family that if I did it, I would be unemployed after graduation (oh, the irony). So, I did Biochemistry, planning to be a doctor (-_-), and although there were many parts of my education that did interest me, I don’t know if it’s what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have only one goal in mind: to help people. Through my volunteering stint, I’ve learned that going into the public health sector may be something that I want to do. But remember, I have no tangible relationships with professors, so that equates to no recommendation letters= no Master’s program.
So here I am, writing this, watching Sunday Night Football, unemployed, and feeling the lingerings of clinical depression quickly building inside me. The feeling of unknowingness and despair are getting nearly unbearable, and I am clueless of what to do and how to fix it.
I need a sign.
PS: My computer is broken so I am typing this from my iPad. If there are any typos, I apologize.
Jess B 