“Beauty was not simply something to behold…”

“…; it was something one could do.”

–Toni Morrison

As promised in my last post, I return to my blog with my October reading wrap-up.  I am also currently watching the Eagles vs. Cowboys game (GO EAGLES!), so I already know that this post is going to take me awhile to type up, LOL.

I had a really god reading month, having read 7 books in 4 weeks.  Granted, 5 of them were pretty short, but 3/5 were dense.  Either way, I’m proud of myself, and doubt that November will be as good of a month.  But hey, as long as I keep reading, it’s successful to me.  The picture above contains 5/7 books I read during the month, the other 2 were from the library.

The first book I read this month was The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling.  I like to compare this book to Aesop’s Fables because the book is simply 5 short stories “told to Wizard children” with Dumbledore’s “notes” after each story, explaining the history and morals behind each story.  I didn’t rate this book, just because it’s a book of short stories like Aesop’s Fables, and I don’t believe these types of books are meant to be rated.  I really did enjoy the stories though.

The next book I read was The Trial by Franz Kafka.  First, can we admire the cover on this beauty?!?!  I love how simple yet ominous it is.  This book is about Josef K., a high ranking bank officer, who is arrested on charges he is not told of.  He is told that he is to lead his normal life, and attend hearings when summoned for his trial.  However, he refuses to simply settle with the fact he is arrested, and throughout the book, he uses the people in his life to get more information about the charges that were brought upon him.

The totalitarian society in which the book takes place is the main driver of the plot, since in such a society one does not need to be told the charges leading to his/her arrest.  The plot brings up a lot of existential meaning as well, and essentially brings about deep meaning throughout the story.  If read shallowly, the story doesn’t hold much merit, and can be taken as dry and boring.  However, the deeper meaning kept me interested throughout.

Without spoiling too much, in the second to last chapter of the book, there is a character that tells a story, and initially I thought this story was absolutely pointless, and hated that Kafka put it in there.  I enjoyed the book prior to this passage a lot, and thought this passage ruined the entire book.  But, I refused to accept the fact that this passage was put in without any regard to the story.  So, I read my next book of the month, and came back to this passage again and got the point of why it was included, and appreciated it.  Overall, I really enjoyed this book, and gave it 4/5.

Next book I read was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.  I told myself that I was going to re-read the whole story prior to reading the 8th book, despite the fact I was told that it really wasn’t necessary for me to do so.  Either way, I wanted to re-read the series again, so I started.  No need to summarize, we all know what this book is about.  Obviously 5/5, childhood classic.

The title of this post is a quote from the Foreward from this absolutely heartbreaking book, The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison.  This book follows Pecola Breedlove, an 11-year old girl from Lorain, Ohio that wishes everyday for blue eyes.  The Breedlove family is known around town for their depressing poverty and familial issues, revolving around the relationship between the husband and wife, Cholly and Pauline.  Pecola is known around town to be an ugly child, and the townspeople never fail to remind her of her ugliness.  In the beginning of the book, we are introduced to Claudia and Frieda MacTeer, who are schoolmates of Pecola.  The MacTeers house Pecola for a short period of time in the beginning because in his drunkenness, Cholly burns the Breedlove’s house down.    Claudia, the younger of two, narrates the majority of the story, as both a child and adult, and brings her spunky personality to the story.

When a book is as heart-breaking as this one, it almost pains me to say how much I loved this book.  The story is one that resonates in communities of color around the world, but this book especially resonates with the Black community even today, with darker complected women being belittled constantly by not just lighter complected black women, but society in general, telling these women they are not beautiful, and not worthy of respect.  I loved the POV that Claudia brought to the story, but even with her spunk and naivete, the sadness of the story shines through.  One would hope for a happy ending in the story, (SPOILER) but it never comes to fruition.  The writing in this book is absolutely dreamy, the detail and word choice Morrison employs paints such a vivid picture, and is almost poetic.  This book was not only my favorite read of the month, but has become one of my favorite books of all-time, and I cannot wait to read Morrison’s other works.  5/5 read, for sure.

*I do not own this image*

 

In true Halloween spirit, I decided to read a horror story.  I have never read a Stephen King book before (don’t judge), so I decided, why not start with The Shining?  I’ve also never seen the movie (again, don’t judge), so I decided that I would watch the movie on Halloween in celebration of one of my favorite holidays.

This book follows the Torrance family in their move to Colorado from New England, in which Jack takes a job as a winter caretaker in The Overlook Hotel.  He and his wife, Wendy, have been experiencing marital issues, and Wendy has been fighting to keep their marriage and family together.  Their son, Danny, has a special ability to read minds and see into the past and future; an ability called “the shining.”  Prior to moving to The Overlook Hotel, Danny gets terrible and scary visions, and although not all of his visions come true, we follow the family as they live their life in this hotel.

This book was an absolute pleasure to read.  I can see why people enjoy Stephen King’s writing so much: he is descriptive and his character development is done thoroughly.  I found the first half of the book slow at times, and the thing that kept my interest were Danny’s visions.  I think King’s best aspect in this book, the character development, was what actually kind of held the book back for me.  However, after the halfway point, the story picks up tremendously, and the character backstory becomes essential to the understanding of the second half.  The second half was absolutely gripping, and it was hard for me to put the book down.  I can’t wait to read more Stephen King books, and I gave this one a 4/5.

*I do not own this image*

I’ve heard a lot of great things about Junot Diaz, and was excited to read my first book by him.  I wanted to get The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, but it was checked out at my library, so I settled for Drown.  This book is a collection of 10 short stories, focusing mainly on Yunior, who moves from Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic to a suburban New Jersey town with his mother and brother.  The majority of the stories outline the path Yunior takes from childhood to his young adult years, and the decisions he has made that lead him to where he is now.

I really, really wanted to LOVE this book, but I couldn’t.  It’s not to say that I didn’t like it, but I just couldn’t appreciate Diaz’s writing as much as I wanted to.  My favorite stories were the two about Ysrael (Ysrael and No Face), the title story, in which Yunior explores his sexuality (Drown), and the story that explains Yunior’s father’s background (Negocios).  I didn’t really like the stories that took place in the US (except Drown), and although I appreciated them, and can see the importance of discussing all of them, they were just kind of bland and didn’t capture my full attention, despite the short length of all the stories.  Despite the fact I didn’t love the book, I definitely appreciate and do believe that everyone should read it, and I gave it a 3/5.

The last book I read this month was Dark Matter by Blake Crouch, a thriller perfect for Fall.  This book follows Jason Dessen, a physics professor at a small college in Chicago.  Jason lives with his wife, Daniela, and son, Charlie, in North Chicago, and lives a happy and comfortable life.  One day, he goes to a bar to congratulate an old friend on receiving a prestigious science award, and on the way back from the bar, he is assaulted and kidnapped.  When he wakes up, his wife and son are gone.  Throughout the book, Jason fights to find out why he was assaulted and where his family went.

This book was such a gripping and thrilling ride.  I’m not a fast reader, and usually a 340 page book will take me a few days to read, but this book was so fast paced and gripping that I read it in 2 days.  Blake Crouch did an amazing job developing the main characters just enough to understand their roles, but not bore the reader to tears.  The science explanations were kind of hard to understand, which I believe is perfect because science, especially physics, is not a very simple thing to understand.  The book did slow down a little in the middle, but not enough for me to put the book down. The end of the book is SO out there and crazy, and I usually am able to predict books, but couldn’t predict this one.  This book is becoming a movie, and I cannot wait to see it.  I gave this book 4.5/5 stars, and highly recommend it.

These are all the books that I read this month, I’m sorry if the post was kind of lengthy.  I may or may not decide to split the books up next month, but we’ll see when I finish a book in November.

If you’ve read any of these books, please let me know what you think of it!  I’d love to hear others’ opinions (especially of Drown, I might have to give that one a re-read).

Happy Halloween!

It’s Hell On Earth and the City’s On Fire

Inhale, inhale, there’s Heaven.

I realize my posting hasn’t been very regular.  Aside from the fact that I’m sitting here, two months post-grad, and still unemployed, I feel like I haven’t had anything to post. Life has been pretty boring, and I’ve been struggling to figure out what the fuck I want to do.  I’m stuck at a crossroads: I want to be working again, but am scared that I won’t be able to get the time around Christmas off.  With my parents living in Colorado, and plans already made for my family from both coasts to go there, I don’t want to be the only out of the family shenanigans, especially since this would be the first Christmas that we would be all together since Christmas 2009.

I’ve stopped applying for jobs, knowing that I still should be filling out applications.  But all the people I’ve spoken to have said that most places stop hiring between the end of summer and the start of the new year, so I’m basically shit out of luck until January.  My luck that I graduated in August.

As long as all the paperwork goes through, I will be starting at UCSF as an unpaid volunteer intern for a clinical research project.  This is definitely something that I am excited to start, especially since I haven’t really done anything since graduation.  It kind of sucks that it’s unpaid, but hey, experience is experience, and I’m excited to start something that I’ve never done.  Hopefully it goes well.

I’ve also been reading a lot more.  When I was in elementary and middle school, I used to read a whole bunch.  But, through high school and the majority of college, the amount of reading that I did for pleasure plummeted dramatically.  I struggled to enjoy most of the books that I read during that period, mostly because we would analyze them to the bone. There were a couple that I did enjoy, as a matter of fact I read The Great Gatsby in 10th grade, and to this day it is one of my favorite books.  I’ve read for pleasure here and there in college, but didn’t really start again until my junior year.  My reading drive has been up and down since then, but it never fully went away.  This month, I’ve read 6 books so far. I’ll do a reading wrap up later toward the end of the month.

I haven’t really wanted to post because I’ve been afraid that I wouldn’t get the feedback that I want.  But today, I realized through a YouTube video that I watched, that I shouldn’t be posting for other people, I should be posting for myself.  Even if the post is dull, I really and truly enjoy writing these posts.  It’s therapeutic, especially since my mental health hasn’t been the best (it’s definitely not the worst it’s been, but it hasn’t been this bad in a long time).  I need to realize that no matter what the response is on my posts, that I’m doing this for me.  Sure, not all of my posts will be well received by others, but as long as it is true to me and what I’m feeling at that particular moment, then it’s a successful post on my part.

That being said, I want to make a couple end of the year goals.  Let’s not call them resolutions; I never stick to those shits.

1.  Write more.  I don’t necessarily need to go back to posting every day or every other day, but I think at least once a week is a doable thing.
2. Continue to read.  I feel more intelligent when I read, LOL.  Whether or not it’s something that has existential meaning or if it’s some shits and giggles book, the act of reading makes me feel like I’m being productive with my life.
3. Clean!  I’m not an incredibly messy person (thanks Maa), but ever since I entered college, my standards of cleanliness have dropped, thanks to some nasty ass roommates.  But I really cleaned today, and not only is the house less cluttered, but so is my mind.
4. Work on my mental health.  Mental health issues run rampant in my family, and as bad as I think I am, I’m actually on the lighter side of things.  I want to be better so I can effectively help the rest of my family and my friends.

That’s it.  I just want to thank all of my followers for continuing to stick with me despite my erratic posting.  It means the world to me.

Thank you.

No Letting Go

No holding back.

Post grad life sucks.

When I was in school, all I wanted to do was get the fuck out.  Now that I am out, I’m not only struggling to find a job, but I’m struggling mentally as well.  Everyday I wake up wondering whether or not the four years that I spent in undergrad slaving away at the computer and sacrificing a social life for money was worth any of the effort I put in.

I look back now and realize that I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have.  I should have gotten more involved in extracurriculars, I should have gotten involved in research in my major (Biochemistry), I should’ve tried to get internships I should’ve taken a serious look at whether or not I was working toward something I wanted or something that would please my parents.

When I started college, my brother was already four years into his schooling at Georgia Tech, and was in the middle of his dismal decline at the institution.  With the self disappointment of my brother’s impending failure looming in their heads, my parents looking at me as their “perfect” child; the one that was going to bring them a degree with no trouble.  The pressure of this expectation on my shoulders weighed heavily down upon me during my whole undergrad career.  My only focus was going to class and getting good grades.

Only during the second semester of my junior year did I begin volunteering, which I stopped in January of this year because of the overnight shifts I did at the new job that I started.  Even that work stopped in May because I moved out of San Francisco, and commuting from 70 miles away from the city rendered it impossible for me to go to school, study, work, and get a wink of sleep.

But even before that, my motivation began to waver.  My grades began to drop, “C’s get degrees” became my new motto, and I even got a D in my Biochemistry II class (my fucking MAJOR) and had to retake it.  The icing on the cake came when I applied for graduation and recieved the news that I couldn’t graduate in May and had to take a summer class in order to graduate.

And yes, even though I was able to overcome some academic struggles and get my degree, I feel like I can’t go any further.  One month post grad (On the 12th of this month, it’ll be two months), I’ve botched one job interview, gotten countless rejections, and feel like I can’t even go to grad school because I didn’t make any meaningful connections with my teachers, because anxiety and the fear that they will think I’m stupid and asking too much of them.

Before, I would blame outside sources for my failings and utter mediocrity, but I now realize that I have no one to blame but myself.  I was the only one that held myself back, and subsequently, I’ve began the process of disappointing the most important people in my life.

At this point, I am seriously thinking redoing undergrad would be the best option for me.  Maybe going back and being more involved and proactive in my learining would help.  I look at my brother, who despite all the hard times in his first six years at Georgia Tech, has a 3.8 GPA in his new school, is thriving at his internship, and is succeeding in life, and see that maybe a second time around would be a good idea for me.  I look at my sister, a graphic design major, and I see how happy and how involved she is, and I envy her passion.  She is doing something she loves, and the passion radiates from within her.

Prior to starting college, I wanted to go into journalism.  But I was told by my whole family that if I did it, I would be unemployed after graduation (oh, the irony).  So, I did Biochemistry, planning to be a doctor (-_-), and although there were many parts of my education that did interest me, I don’t know if it’s what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I have only one goal in mind: to help people.  Through my volunteering stint, I’ve learned that going into the public health sector may be something that I want to do.  But remember, I have no tangible relationships with professors, so that equates to no recommendation letters= no Master’s program.

So here I am, writing this, watching Sunday Night Football, unemployed, and feeling the lingerings of clinical depression quickly building inside me.  The feeling of unknowingness and despair are getting nearly unbearable, and I am clueless of what to do and how to fix it.

I need a sign.

PS: My computer is broken so I am typing this from my iPad.  If there are any typos, I apologize.